Wednesday, 18 May 2011

A little History can be a very useful thing.

We are born not as a blank canvas, but more of a watermark impression of our parents. Living darkens and brightens the colours within that impression, maybe adding a splash of neon every now and then.

Take a snapshot of your life. How would you describe it? Mine would be a bright picture of a thirtysomething working single mum with a zest for life. Busy, strong-minded, bold, a little scary sometimes I fear.Oh, and big breasts. Everyone notices them!! A fun person to be around. Entertaining.

I have my mother to thank for most of my assets. My other assets and most of my flaws have been molded from my experiences in life, and yes, I am aware that I have quite a few flaws! My personal history is colourful to say the least. I have had a few events to contend with, my childhood was not happy but I pulled through and seem pretty normal, I think. Married too young, and the wrong person, I escaped my first serious relationship pretty unscathed. I moved on and explored my twenties with vigor. Then I met him.

I have never felt a connection with someone as strong as I did with him. We were passionate. We were free. We travelled and took risks and laughed and fucked and laughed some more. Then I fell pregnant. The weight of this was shared by the both of us and we really tried to to bear up. We did for quite some time. The picture looked perfect. Two people in love with a child who was adored. But the strain was too much for both of us. I crumbled under the rubble of post natal depression and he fucked someone else. Sounds so simple, I was ill and he is a dirty cheating scum. But it is rarely that simple. I can say that now, after the dust has settled and we have both found better lives apart. We are still important to each other and I consider that we will always be family, but not together. Our son will always know how much we love him.

It was not an easy decision to separate, not all the facts were known and I was going on my instincts (which were right). but choosing to be a single parent was a decision that I do not regret.

I have never been scared before about taking risks on people, and things and experiences and whilst I still push forward, god, I am scared. I am scared of getting hurt, of my son getting hurt, of being lonely, of loving someone, of being loved. This is the part in my life where I have to face my fears. I cannot keep hiding behind my job as a parent because I know I deserve to be truly happy.

This blog is about me expressing my fears and hopes and desires and dreams as I traverse through the ever changing landscape of parenting and hopefully love and desire. I am sure that I am not alone in these lands and that somewhere along this journey I make someone laugh at my attempts at a very hard balancing act. I might even get a job in the circus, or politics!

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