Thursday, 19 May 2011

Textual Consent

There was a time, not really that many years ago, that the conversation about the potential of a sexual encounter was discussed flirtily in a dimly lit intimate corner of a pub, probably a few moments before rushing out of the door together in a fleeting anticipated moment. I now find that technology has squashed that little moment of intimate hope.

Whilst texting my new interest, I realise that we have discussed a few intimate details without actually meeting. It has dawned on me that if we meet and don't hit it off, it could all get very embarrassing!

Its quite easy to do, we are not face to face, and you get time to rehearse what you say without coming across as either a pervert or frigid. The only problem is that its not me. I am a dominant woman, and am very passionate and spontaneous. Putting that in a text dilutes the thought so when I do meet up with him, I fear that I will be quite reserved in comparison I have given my best ideas already!!

I am quite nervous about this date now. We have both put a lot of expectation on how the night will go, and I hope that neither of us is disappointed. Keep watching.....

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Is this the start of a new Era?

Being a single mum, I do not get the chance to go out socialising much, so when the Christmas party was confirmed in work, I was such a happy girl. I love parties! People who you spend most of your week with will get drunk and tell you secrets, or tell you what they truly think of you or even worse (or better) try and snog you! What joy! A chance to dress up too, what girl does not like to do that!

The day approached, I arranged for my son to stay over my mother's and off I went to enjoy myself. I drank (but not too much), I danced (very much) and smoked. It was whilst I was stood outside the pub, freezing in the snow that a man approached me. A fireman at that! We got talking, flirting and I boldy offered to buy him a drink and to my delight he said yes! Off inside we went to the bar, chatting and flirting some more. He was moving on to another bar, so put his phone number in my mobile, kerching!! I had pulled!

The alcohol has cruelly faded a lot of the conversation but I remembered enough the next day to remember to call. I nervously pressed the green button on my mobile....and got nothing. I tried again... nothing. I checked the number and realised that there was a digit missing. I could think two ways with this, either it was a genuine drunken mistake or it was missed on purpose. I hoped it was the former. I shrugged my shoulders and thought "oh well, would have been nice!" and went about my life.

Fast forward five months later. Whilst checking my Facebook page sneekily in work, I noticed I had a message. Upon checking it, I realise that it is from that very fireman whom had captured my attention in the snow.
"Are you the girl that I was talking to at Christmas?"
I replied affirmitively. My excitement starting to bubble as he quickly replied that he would like to buy me a drink when I was next out. We exchanged telephone numbers (enough digits this time) and arranged to meet up.

Wow, my first date as a single parent. All I can say is it is rather strange. I now have boundaries and rules and a complete desire to let him know that I am not desperate for sex, although I haven't had sex for two years and I think I rather am!

So I am meeting up with him on Friday. I have chosen my outfit, I have decided that whatever I do I will not sleep with him, although I have shaved, bought new underwear and checked myself in the mirror for  my best angles! Lets hope this is a pleasent experience and that my dry spell is over!!

A little History can be a very useful thing.

We are born not as a blank canvas, but more of a watermark impression of our parents. Living darkens and brightens the colours within that impression, maybe adding a splash of neon every now and then.

Take a snapshot of your life. How would you describe it? Mine would be a bright picture of a thirtysomething working single mum with a zest for life. Busy, strong-minded, bold, a little scary sometimes I fear.Oh, and big breasts. Everyone notices them!! A fun person to be around. Entertaining.

I have my mother to thank for most of my assets. My other assets and most of my flaws have been molded from my experiences in life, and yes, I am aware that I have quite a few flaws! My personal history is colourful to say the least. I have had a few events to contend with, my childhood was not happy but I pulled through and seem pretty normal, I think. Married too young, and the wrong person, I escaped my first serious relationship pretty unscathed. I moved on and explored my twenties with vigor. Then I met him.

I have never felt a connection with someone as strong as I did with him. We were passionate. We were free. We travelled and took risks and laughed and fucked and laughed some more. Then I fell pregnant. The weight of this was shared by the both of us and we really tried to to bear up. We did for quite some time. The picture looked perfect. Two people in love with a child who was adored. But the strain was too much for both of us. I crumbled under the rubble of post natal depression and he fucked someone else. Sounds so simple, I was ill and he is a dirty cheating scum. But it is rarely that simple. I can say that now, after the dust has settled and we have both found better lives apart. We are still important to each other and I consider that we will always be family, but not together. Our son will always know how much we love him.

It was not an easy decision to separate, not all the facts were known and I was going on my instincts (which were right). but choosing to be a single parent was a decision that I do not regret.

I have never been scared before about taking risks on people, and things and experiences and whilst I still push forward, god, I am scared. I am scared of getting hurt, of my son getting hurt, of being lonely, of loving someone, of being loved. This is the part in my life where I have to face my fears. I cannot keep hiding behind my job as a parent because I know I deserve to be truly happy.

This blog is about me expressing my fears and hopes and desires and dreams as I traverse through the ever changing landscape of parenting and hopefully love and desire. I am sure that I am not alone in these lands and that somewhere along this journey I make someone laugh at my attempts at a very hard balancing act. I might even get a job in the circus, or politics!